Three Breakthrough Insights for Vibrant Relationships

By Francesca Starr, Ph.D.

With the help of Voice Dialogue you experience and begin to manage or moderate the many fascinating sub-personalities within you. You understand that some inner parts are highly developed and powerful (Primary Selves) while others are unknown, latent, and repressed (Disowned Selves). The Primary Selves often emerge in childhood to protect you from experiencing too much pain, hurt, or shame; and to help you succeed in life. The Primary Selves believe, and rightly so, that as a child you may not survive if you actually experience: your authentic, instinctual reactions/feelings to childhood trauma; the brutal truth about the people who harmed you; or the truth about what was done to you. Because of this, one of the most Disowned or repressed Inner Self is the sensitive, innocent, authentic, feeling Vulnerable Child.

With this basic foundation for exploring relationships, Voice Dialogue offers three major insights that, when integrated into day-to-day relationships, lead to healthy, mature, and mutual partnerships. These new partnerships nurture the deepening connection between two people, while fully supporting the personal growth and fulfillment of each individual.

Three Insights:

1.  You are not relating to ONE person. Rather, you are having a relationship with the many Selves that live within and express through, the other person. So are they with you. With this understanding, you stop expecting your partner, parent, child, etc. to be so consistent and predictable. You begin to observe your own inner world and become more aware of your partner’s diverse selves. You understand why specific Inner Selves “come out” and take over. The Awareness (objective witness) alone allows more compassion for yourself and the other, as you take into account the above: you both buried your genuine, true feelings long ago.

2. All important relationships generate Bonding Patterns. When an event or interaction causes repressed, underlying feelings to stir – a set of Selves jump out and do whatever they can to keep you from being conscious of those feeling. This results in repetitive interactions that either keep the relationship safe, secure, and predictable (which eventually feels flat, passionless, lifeless), or they keep the relationship in a never-ending cycle of mutual hurt and harm – in your attempts to claim power and not feel helpless or out of control. These reoccurring interactions (triggered by your underlying, deeply buried feelings and sensitivities) between habitual selves in each other are called Bonding Patterns. As you realize you are in a Bonding Pattern; learn how to step out of the pattern sooner; and use the experience to gain knowledge about yourself and your partner, your relationship enters into a deeper level of connection, authenticity, and intimacy than ever. CLICK HERE for an example of a Bonding Pattern.

3. Relationships offer a mirror. When you look in the mirror with some objectivity you see a Disowned Self that is calling to you (from within your psyche). It is time for you to ‘meet’ this shadow self and to discover the essential qualities, gifts, and talents it may bring into your life. Through the mirror of relationship you become more whole.

CLICK HERE for additional information about creating successful relationships.

Making Relationships Work For You

The Dance Of The Selves in Relationship

Learn More:
View the Bonding Pattern Map


Francesca Starr, Ph.D., CPC
Certified Professional Coach, Post Graduate Voice Dialogue Training with Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone (Creators of Voice Dialogue), Ph.D. Counseling Psychology, MA Transpersonal Psychology, MA Education. Francesca brings finely honed skills and knowledge from previous careers (1. education, 2. business, and 3. counseling) to her passion as a Voice Dialogue Coach and Trainer. Gentle conversations with your Inner Selves that transform your life. Inspired, breakthrough coaching to resolve life and work issues, generate conscious choice and creative action, and evolve consciousness.